Brokedown Palace

 I’m on return from Bereavement. Yes, it’s been an upheaval week, where I’m certainly reminded that life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.

A sibling of mine passed unexpectedly, and of course it shatters my psyche and rearranges priorities and focus points, and causes crying spells for his terribly shortened life. These spells are usually triggered by something unexpected.  The Frays “How to Save a Life.” for example, which makes sense, but then a Neil Diamond song did the same.

With my personal slippery, uncertain rules of what to blog about and what not to blog about, I couldn't figure out where this fit into a blogging world. Ignoring it didn’t feel right, yet I couldn't write everything and give a full picture either.  It would be impossible to describe all the dynamics here, it would require writing some sort of novel or memoir.

And I’m also reminded that coincidence is just Gods way of remaining anonymous. Because if I did write it all down into a novel, it would be remarkably similar to the novel that I had just started to read a day before I learned of my brothers medical crisis.

The novel is called Out and Back, and is the story of how a mother, runner, and uniquely gifted and wonderfully flawed human being deals with the death of her mother, and how, even after her mothers death, she is constantly working through their relationship.

I read the first half of the novel on the way to see my brother, who was in a coma, on life support, and like the person in the novel, dealt with the trauma of  taking a loved on off life support. Yes, there are puke bags on planes, but no tear bags.

I read the second part of the novel on the way home, after my brother had passed, where the main character of the novel journals her thoughts to her deceased mom on her facebook page, and days later, I  learned of a whole community of friends my brother had through facebook and blogging world I had never known of.

Yes, it was digging into a fresh wound, but I really needed something to recognize the pain in me, and it was 'truth is stranger than fiction' that I had picked this novel up when I did.  I came across the novel on Goodreads in a forum called “Readers who Run.”  Or, it could have been “Runners who Read.”

Out and Back was very readable, easily accessible, doesn’t’ require work but just keeps your attention and interest since if you’re a parent or a runner you can relate.  I loved the main character, who I assume is partially but not completely the author.  I loved how she was aware of her flaws, how she had such high expectations of herself yet also swore (love the 'fuck fuck fucks') and scolded herself when she didn’t meet her own standards. She seemed so real, and the challenges of raising a family were portrayed with a sense of urgency amongst the very real threats we face. The conflicts and suspense of this novel to build a healthy family while fighting economic uncertainties, bickering kids, running injuries, kept me reading.  I loved that she was constantly trying to negotiate family relationships by dealing with all the human imperfections we have and ultimately finding some peace by accepting her mother, and herself, for all her faults. Relationships with others don’t change when they pass. This novel showed that.

And, when possible, the main character runs to cope and give her strength, yet is challenged to fit in a run when injuries and other annoyances get in her way. Yes, I did hope for more running in the novel, which is ironic since that's what others said about The Jade Rabbit.  

 Like the main character, I of course went for a run to cope with my crisis. I was in tears as I ran, yet it still helped to rearrange the mental and emotional atoms, and I was thinking "no matter how far one can run, they still always got to come back, you can't run forever."

Yep, if you go Out, you got to come Back.  

  

Things gravitate to us at certain times for a reason, our souls suck things into our reach that we need, and I think Out and Back came to me this way.  Or it was just some strange, dumb luck.

On Wednesday night, I went to the Furthur concert, which, just so you know, is most of the remaining Grateful Dead members and some all-star musicians from Dead cover bands.  The last song they played, (which was also the last song of the entire tour) the second encore, was “Brokedown Palace.” This the song I’ve been telling my wife for years I want played at my funeral. Of course, in my mind, they were playing it for my Brother, and I held a momentary mental memorial right there. The way things dropped in my lap, like the novel Out And Back, this song certainly fit, and who could argue otherwise.

Brokedown Palace – Grateful Dead 

Fare you well, my honey, fare you well my only true one.
All the birds that were singing are flown, except you alone.

Going to leave this brokedown palace,
On my hand and knees, I will roll, roll, roll.
Make myself a bed in the waterside,
In my time, I will roll, roll roll.

In a bed, in a bed, by the waterside I will lay my head.
Listen to the river sing sweet songs, to rock my soul.

River going to take me, sing sweet and sleepy,
Sing me sweet and sleepy all the way back home.
Its a far gone lullaby, sung many years ago.
Mama, mama many worlds I’ve come since I first left home.

Goin home, goin home, by the riverside I will rest my bones,
Listen to the river sing sweet songs, to rock my soul.

Going to plant a weeping willow,
On the banks green edge it will grow, grow, grow.
Sing a lullaby beside the water,
Lovers come and go, the river roll, roll, roll.

Fare you well, fare you well, I love you more than words can tell,
Listen to the river sing sweet songs, to rock my soul.

(An old Version, with Jerry singing, below)